Breakable News breaks new ground with a transcript of a recent contact between Trump and his BBF Roger Stone
From Breakable, all the news you wish you had remembered to forget
Breakable hackers have penetrated the digital lines of Mar a Lago (they determined, after about five minutes of trying, Trump's password to be Weloveyouandthinkyouareveryspecial). They picked up a very interesting communication between Trump and his long time BBF Roger "Cold" Stone. Here's part of that verbal contact.
DT: So what's next Rog? I hear an investigation is underway.
RS: True that, Don Donald But don't worry, no one will ever suspect you were in on it. I directed the whole operation from my hotel room. Ain't that a pisser!
DT: Fucking right. Hold on a minute. A call just came in from Graham. Yeah, Lindsey, what's up. What! Well you tell McConnell he's a dick head and once I'm back online or takeover from Limbaugh's seat, I'll murder him, that son of a bitch. Right. Tell him that. What's that? You're coming down here. No, no. Bad optics. I'll meet you on my golf course. I do everything verbally there and the golf cart has been debugged by my son in law. All right. Bye, Graham Cracker. (laughs heartily). I made up his nickname.
So where were we, RS?
RS: It was a piece of cake. Only thing is I'm afraid your hack you put in charge of the Pentagon may crack under pressure. I told him to keep his mouth shut and don't talk to no press. But what does he do? He tells the press he's busy and needs to spend more time with his family.
DT: Son of a bitch. I'll take care of him. He'll be flipping burgers at MacDonald's tomorrow.
RS: Right. But those Oath Keeper morons did great. The one's who were bodyguarding me. I told them to knock the shit out of anyone gets in their way, and then grab those ballots. I figured once we have the ballots we're home free.
DT: But what the hell happened? No ballots. We never got the fucking ballots, like I told you to get. And I gave you a pardon, you incompetent bastard.
RS: But Don...
DT: And don't call me Don no more, capo. I'm Godfather to you.
RS: But Don, we've known each other 50 years. I'm your bud, your confidante, your brother in arms, your...
DT: Don't give me that. You didn't get the goddamn ballots. You're out of favor. Now get me those ballots. I still got till March 10 to assume the throne. That's according to what I read from Q.
RS: You know Q?
DT: The fuck! I am Q, you dingbat. I started the whole fucking movement to pick up more votes.
RS: Sheesh, I didn't realize. Here all along, I thought I was playing Q. We probably should have coordinated. I believed you when you said you didn't know much about QAnon, but that they loved America and loved you.
DT: Anyway, now get the hell outta my ear, Cold Stone (ha, ha). I'm already late for a tee time with Nunes. Great guy. I gave him one of those medals they gave me to give out. Anyway, get me those ballots (yelling). (Loud click, as Trump hangs up).
So make what you will of that conversation, dear reader, but we think it's incriminating, even though Trump was careful, as usual, to not implicate himself in the insurrection. But our hackers are still on it, and we'll be sure to keep you well disinformed. For we are Breakable, you know, and know that you, our dear readers, have come to depend on news that is not verified, unsubstantiated, and absolutely fake (We got the latest Good Housekeeping seal of disapproval).
To conclude, we offer our latest Covid misinformation: Vaccines are great but don't look when they jab you. It'll hurt less, as our building janitor, Charlie, reported. The nurse said she'll jab him at the count of three. She stuck it in at two, and he never felt a thing.
And this breakable flash just in from our Texas partially-frozen correspondent: Sen. Ted Cruz was picked up by local authorities dressed as an old spinster trying to get his vaccine. More as this, or Ted himself, continues to unravel...